如何正确引导孩子和别人分享？为什么不要强迫孩子分享

当一个低龄孩子不肯分享时，常常看到父母或其他看护人对自己孩子说：你怎么这么自私？其实换个角度来看，这位看护人只是觉得自己很丢面子，为了自己不丢面子，就要给孩子贴上自私的标签，那么到底是谁自私呢？

“Sharing is caring!” We hear it all the time. It’s written on posters in school hallways. It’s spoken by your children’s favorite TV characters.

But what is sharing and why do we ask young children to do it?

“分享就是关爱”。我们频频听到这句话。或是在教室走廊海报上，或是从孩子最喜欢的电视人物口中。

Developmental Readiness for Sharing

低龄幼童在发育水平上尚未做好分享的准备

Sharing teaches cooperation, collaboration, and teamwork. Sharing with friends and family can increase the unity and bond you feel with them. Many acts of kindness involve sharing — of time, money, or resources. Personally, sharing can make us happier and live longer.

分享，可以教会我们配合、合作和团队协作。与朋友家人分享，能够增强团结感和亲密感。很多善意之举都包含分享——时间、金钱或资源的分享。就个人而言，分享可以让我们更快乐、更长寿。

Shouldn’t we be fostering sharing? Sure… and that’s exactly what you're doing, by waiting until your toddler is mentally and emotionally ready to see sharing as a caring gesture, and not as, “Aaah!! How could you take it away?!”

我们不应该培养分享精神吗？当然，当我们静静等待着孩子的心理和情绪发育水平足以让他们将分享视为关爱之举，而非只是看做“啊，你怎么可以把他拿走？”，我们恰恰就是在培养分享精神。

We don’t expect a six-month-old to walk as a 12-month-old can, or a one-year-old to “use your words” like a two-year-old can, and yet from the moment they begin grabbing another toddler’s board book we start telling them to share. We’re all fooled by toddlers’ speaking and toddling—and by their emphatic agendas!—into thinking that they’re farther along in their understanding of themselves in the world than they are. And a concept like sharing is simply beyond them during this phase.

我们并不会期望一个半岁的孩子能像一个一周岁的孩子一样走路，也不会期望一个一岁的孩子能够像一个两岁的孩子一样用语言表达自己。但从他们开始去伸手抓另一个孩子的纸板书时，我们就开始告诉他们要分享。我们都被孩子的语言和走路能力——以及他们目标明确的小心机——欺骗了，这些让我们误以为他们对存在于这个世界的自己有着更深的理解。而实际上，像“分享”等概念，根本是他们这一阶段理解不了的。

Why is that? A few reasons:

为什么呢？有以下几种原因：

Toddlers don’t yet know for sure that they are separate and individual people. They are testing this idea—building a sense of self—in large part by achieving a sense of ownership: “I own, therefore I am.” When they grab and hold on for dear life and need everything all for themselves, they’re not being selfish—they’re being scientists testing the hypothesis that they are individuals. The world is their laboratory, and “All Mine!” is one of the experiments they’re conducting.

一两岁幼儿还不能确切知道他们是独立个体。他们只是在测试这一概念——营造一种自我感。而所采用的方式，很大一部分则是通过建立“拥有感”：“我拥有，所以我存在。”当他们抢过东西，死命守着，把所有东西都占为己有，他们并非在表现出自私行为——他们只不过是一个个小科学家，在测试“他们是独立个体”这一假设。这个世界不过是他们的实验室，而“都是我的！”只不过是他们为此所开展的实验之一而已。

The ability to share is a developmental milestone. Just like you wouldn’t expect a 3-month-old to walk or a 2-year-old to read, you can’t expect your child to share until they are developmentally ready to share. I know, I know… somewhere out there is a parent or teacher who is saying, but my child COULD read at 2 years old! However, just like any other milestone, there is an age range, but most children will not even begin to understand the concept of sharing until they are able to understand that others have a different point of view.

分享的能力，是一个发育里程碑。就像是你不会期望一个三个月大的婴儿走路，或一个两岁的孩子能阅读，在你的孩子在发育水平上没有做好分享的准备之前，你也无法期望孩子去分享。我知道，我知道，肯定有父母或老师会说，但我的孩子两岁时候的确能认字了啊！但就像是其他里程碑一样，这里是有一个年龄范围的。但大多数孩子在能够理解其他人也有不同观点之前，他们是无法理解分享的概念的。

Consider the stages of children’s psychosocial development (psychosocial relates to one’s psychological development in, and interaction with, a social environment; in other words, how a child grows and relates to the society around him). Young children are naturally very egocentric. They have difficulty seeing anything outside their own point of view.

想一下孩子的社会心理发育阶段（社会心理是指一个人在社交环境之中以及与社交环境互动中的心理发育水平。换言之，是指一个孩子与周围社会互动的能力。）低龄幼儿天生是“自我中心”的。他们难以看到他们自己视角之外的事物。

Egocentrism is very different than egotism. The egotist believes that she or he is superior to others. Egocentricity in young children is a developmental stage. They are egocentric not because they are selfish or self-centered, but because they are incapable of seeing things from another’s perspective.

自我中心与自大，二者迥异。自大者认为其比所有人都要优越。而在低龄幼童群体中，自我中心只不过是一个发育阶段。他们以自我为中心，并非是因为他们自私自利，而只是因为他们无法从别人的视角看待事物。

Many researchers — for example, Piaget and Erikson — have shown this to be true. They have proven that during the ages of approximately 2 – 7 years old, children are slowly learning to understand that others have different thoughts, perspectives, and ideas than their own. During this period children will be resistant to parents and other caregivers asking them to share because they are only just beginning to understand the concept.

很多研究人员，如 Piaget 和 Erikson，都证明了这一点。他们证明，在大约2-7岁阶段，孩子们在慢慢学着理解其他人有与自己不同的想法、视角和观点。在这一阶段，对于要求自己必须分享的父母和其他看护人，他们是反抗的，因为他们只是才刚刚去理解这一概念。

To further complicate matters, they don’t yet understand that things can belong to other people, too, not just to them!

Then there’s the concept of time—toddlers don’t yet have one. Therefore, to them, giving anything up means giving it up for good. Even structured turn-taking (“one more minute, then it’s your turn”) can be a huge mindbender for someone with no sense of time. Sharing, which is even less defined in time, is virtually impossible.

而让问题更复杂的是，他们还尚未理解物品也可以属于其他人，并非只是属于他们自己。

And then we come to…. impulse control. To illustrate, behold the infamous Toddler’s Creed: “If I want it, it’s mine! If I used it yesterday, it’s mine! If I can take it away from you, it’s mine!” They want what they want when they want it—add another child, some toys, and an adult talking about “sharing,” and you’ve got a combustible situation in your toddler’s laboratory.

然后，就是冲动控制！要理解这一点，只要看一下广为人知的“幼儿信条”中的“如果我想要它，它就是我的！如果我昨天用它了，它就是我的！如果我能从你那里抢走，它就是我的！”就可以了。

当他们在某个时候想要某样东西，那他们就会想要就要。这时候再加上另一个孩子，一些玩具，一个喋喋不休要求“分享”的成年人，那么，恭喜喜提你孩子“实验室”中的易燃场面！

But, you may argue, my toddler happily gives me Cheerios, and hands over toys when we’re playing — isn’t that sharing? Umm, well, it’s part of that selfhood science experiment we mentioned above. When it happens, you can acknowledge the gesture, then maybe show appreciation by genuinely sharing it back, if your toddler hasn’t already re-claimed it… Toddler scientists will be practicing this social/emotional skill with great diligence over the next year or so, until brain development, socialization, and the desire for friends opens the way to genuine sharing.

但你可能会说，我的小宝宝会很开心地给我麦片，我们一起玩时也会给我他的玩具啊？难道这不是分享吗？呃，这也只是我们上面提到的“自我身份”的科学实验的一部分而已。这种情形下，你可以肯定宝宝的这一好意，然后或许可以通过真诚分享回去的方式来表示感谢，如果你的宝宝还没有要回他刚才给的东西的话。这些宝宝科学家们将会孜孜不倦地开展这类社会/情绪实验。

But until they’re ready (around age three or so), trying to make sharing happen can actually backfire. Nobody likes having things taken away, especially when they can’t understand why. “Share” will become a bad word, the act of “sharing” something to avoid, and thus (as child development experts note) “selfishness” will last longer.

但直到他们做好准备（大概三岁左右）之前，试图让他们分享，实际上可能会适得其反。没有人喜欢自己的东西被夺走，尤其当他们不理解为什么时。“分享”就会成为一个坏的词汇，他们会回避分享行为，因此，（如儿童发育专家所说）“自私”将会延续得更长。

Is that to say that we shouldn’t ask our children to be giving with others? Should we not ask them to share their toys? No. Just like any other skill, sharing takes practice, time, and positive reinforcement. There are many things a parent can do to help their child learn to share.

这是否就意味着我们不该要求把东西给别人呢？不该向其他人分享自己的玩具呢？并不是。像其他任何技能一样，分享也需要练习、时间和正面强化。父母可以通过很多方式，帮助孩子学会分享。

What to do before toddlers understand sharing? Two things:

在低龄幼童理解分享概念之前，要做什么？注意两点：

1. Label and validate the emotion of the moment. If somebody’s toy was taken, say: “You didn’t like it when JoJo took your toy away,” because it’s calming to feel understood. Then say, “Next time, hold on tight,” because it’s their right to hold onto what they need. To the grabber, suggest, “Next time, ask, ‘Can I use it?’” You may find yourself using these phrases a lot over time… Good! These simple interpersonal lessons take time to sink in.

1. 说出当时情绪的名称，并认可该情绪。如果一个人的玩具被夺走了，那么说：当JoJo把你的玩具拿走时，你不喜欢那样。因为当感到被理解时，是会让孩子冷静下来的。然后说“下次，握紧点”。因为守住他们所需要的东西，这是他们的权利。而对抢东西的孩子，则建议：下一次，先问‘我可以用一下吗’？逐渐，你可能会发现你在频繁使用这类语句。很好，孩子需要一定的时间才能慢慢理解这些简单的人际交往规则。

2. Model sharing for your toddler. Toddlers look to us to explain their world. Show that you enjoy sharing, and they’ll want to “get there,” too.

2. 以身作则。低龄幼童们通过我们来理解这个世界。向他们展示你爱分享，他们也会想要模仿你的。

Don’t worry, have patience—it really won’t be long before your toddler is able to understand that “sharing is caring.” Think “self-hood” rather than “self-ish,” model generosity, and let them hold on tight for now. They’ll be more willing to let go and share their stuff when they’re ready!

不要担心，有耐心一些，孩子真正理解“分享就是关爱”，不会需要很长时间。将其视为“自我身份感”而非“自私”，在慷慨方面以身作则，现在允许他们紧紧守着自己的东西。当他们准备好后，他们将会更愿意给予并分享自己的东西。

Tips for Teaching Sharing

教导分享的一些建议

01

Sharing is Not Just About Objects

分享不只是关于物品

Sharing is not just about sharing your physical belongings. It’s not just about those favorite blocks or doll. Sharing is also about sharing time, turns, and themselves. Young children are just beginning to learn to take turns, to wait until daddy finishes the dishes to read a book, or to share their time helping a grumpy friend feel better.

分享并不只限于分享你所拥有的物品。并非只是关于分享你最喜欢的积木或玩具娃娃。它还包括分享时间、轮流机会、以及孩子自己。低龄幼童只是刚刚开始学习“轮流”，等着爸爸刷完碗给自己读书，或分享自己的时间，帮助一位生气的朋友变得开心一些。

It’s very helpful for adults to model and encourage sharing of all kinds. So whether you are making soup to take to your sick neighbor or waiting in line at the grocery store, these are opportunities for you to teach your child about sharing in a natural way.

成年人以身作则并鼓励所有类型的分享行为，这是非常有益的。所以，无论当你帮助一位生病的邻居煮汤，或是在超市排队时，这些都是以自然方式教导孩子学会分享的机会。

02

Teach the Language of Sharing

教给孩子分享的语言

Early on, it’s important that your child hears the language of sharing. For example, I’ve worked with children in a multi-age environment. I had an infant and several toddlers, along with slightly older preschoolers together in my program. The infant’s needs often took precedence over many of the older children’s needs. When an infant needs to be fed or held or changed it’s obviously important to take care of those needs quickly.

在早期，让孩子听到分享的语言，是很重要的。

例如，我在工作中接触的孩子分布在各种不同年龄段。在我的项目中，有一个婴儿，和几个幼儿，以及稍大一些学龄前幼童。相对于其他更大一些孩子的需求，婴儿的需求通常会被优先对待。当婴儿需要被喂、被抱、换尿片时，很明显，就需要迅速去满足这些需求。

Inevitably, the needs of the baby coincided with the toddlers’ and preschoolers’ needs. So, while I was feeding the baby, I would be talking to the other children, saying things like:

不可避免地，婴儿的需求会和其他孩子的需求重叠，因此，当我喂宝宝时，我会和其他孩子说：

· “I know how frustrating it can be to wait, but right now it’s the baby’s turn. Soon it’ll be your turn.”

· “Can you help me with the baby by bringing me the wipes? Wow! What a good helper you are.”

· “Can you sing the baby a song while I’m changing her diaper? She’s not very happy right now.”

• 我知道等着是挺难过的。但现在轮到照顾宝宝了，很快就轮到照顾你了。
• 你能帮我个忙，帮宝宝把湿巾纸拿过来吗？哇，你真是个好帮手呢！
• 我给宝宝换尿片时，你能给宝宝唱首歌吗？她现在不是很开心。

Give the children words for their feelings, frustrations, and actions. Praising their ability to share (whether it be sharing their time, their feelings, their toys, etc.) gives them the confidence to try it again.

说出孩子感受、沮丧感和行为的名称，表扬孩子的分享能力（无论是分享他们的时间、感受或是玩具等），给予他们再次去分享的信心。

I also made it a point to talk out loud to the baby when it wasn’t her turn. For example, when I was in the middle of serving lunch to 5 hungry kids and the baby became fussy and cried, I would say, “just a minute, baby! Right now it’s the kids’ turn, but next it’ll be your turn,” or “hold on, baby, I just need to serve everyone their lunch and then it’ll be your turn.” This wasn’t really for the baby’s sake; it provided the older children with the language of taking turns. It allowed them to internalize the fact that they were all taking turns and sharing.

当还没轮到宝宝时，我会特意大声跟宝宝说话。比如，当我给5个饥肠辘辘的孩子摆上饭菜时，宝宝这时开始哭闹起来，我会说：“只要等一会会儿，宝宝，我现在只是需要帮每个人摆上午饭，然后就轮到你啦。”这些并不是说给宝宝听的，而是为了教给年龄较大那些孩子“轮流的语言”。这可以让他们内化这一事实：他们都在轮流和分享。

03

Play Cooperative Games

玩合作型游戏

Playing cooperative games with your child is a great way to reinforce the concept of sharing in a fun, relaxed environment. Taking turns while playing a board game or putting together a puzzle can give children practice sharing with others. Even informal games you play with your toddler or preschooler like rolling a ball back and forth across the room or taking turns adding a block to a tower can give your child another way to practice sharing.

与孩子玩合作型游戏，是在有趣、放松环境中强化分享概念的有效方式。当玩棋类游戏或拼拼图时，孩子们可以通过轮流，练习与他人分享的能力。即使一些和幼儿和学龄前儿童玩的非正式的游戏，比如把球滚来滚去，或是在积木塔上再加一块积木，都能让孩子练习分享。

04

Allow Your Child to Not Share in Some Cases

在一些情形中，允许孩子不分享

There are, obviously, times when it’s perfectly okay for your child not to share. In these situations, it’s important for you to set up your child for success. For example, your friend is coming over to your house with her children. You know there are toys that are very special to your child. Make sure to put away the toys that are very special to your child so that they aren’t even an issue or allow your child to put things in their room that they don’t choose to share and shut the door. Giving your child the space to keep certain things for themselves may help them be more willing to share their other toys.

当然，有时候，是完全可以让孩子不用分享的。这些情形下，帮助孩子营造成功条件，这一点非常重要。比如，你的朋友将带着她的孩子来做客。你知道有些玩具对你的孩子而言是非常特别的。确保把这些玩具收起来，以避免发生争吵，或者允许孩子将这些玩具放在他的房间并关上门。给孩子保管特定物品的空间，可能会帮助他们更愿意分享其他玩具。

05

Set Your Child Up for Success

帮助孩子提前准备

Plan ahead and prepare your child for whatever situation is coming. Explain what will be happening in simple terms. For example, “Daddy’s friend Max and his kids are coming over this afternoon. When they get here they are going to play with you! How fun it will be to play together with your toys! I know that some toys like your teddy bear are very special to you. What do you think about putting Teddy away while your friends are here so he’ll be safe in your room?”

提前准备，让孩子为可能发生的任何情形做好准备。用简单的话语解释可能会发生的事情。比如，“爸爸的朋友Max和他的孩子今天下午要来做客。当他们来的时候，他们会和你一起玩。你们一起玩玩具，会多么有趣啊。我知道有些玩具，比如你的泰迪熊，对你来说是非常特别的。你的朋友在这里的时候，我们把泰迪放在你房间，这样泰迪可以安全。你觉得怎么样？”

06

Positive Reinforcement and Direction

正面强化和引导

Just like with any other skill your child is learning, it’s important for you to be patient and offer positive reinforcement as your child learns to share. I know it can be embarrassing when your child loudly refuses to share their sand toys at the park or when your preschooler hoards all of the Legos at the table. Instead of escalating the situation and trying to force your child to share, maybe diffuse the situation by bringing out something they can do cooperatively like playdough or coloring. Change up the environment by bringing them outside. And remember, once your child is sharing, offer praise for their efforts.

就像你的孩子正在学习的其他任何技能一样，在孩子学习分享的过程中，家长耐心、并提供正面强化，这一点很重要。我知道，当在公园里，你的孩子大声拒绝分享自己的沙子玩具，或当你的学龄前宝宝霸占着桌子上的所有乐高积木时，很尴尬。这时候，不要让事态升级，试图强迫孩子分享，而是可以选择一些可以一起玩的活动，比如橡皮泥或涂色等，让事态降级。也或者带他们到外面去，缓和事态。而且，记住，一旦你的孩子再分享，要表扬他们的分享行为。

In-Class or Home Techniques to Try

学校和家中练习分享的一些技巧

Here are some tried and true techniques that have been used by preschool teachers for decades:

以下是幼儿园学校老师几十年来一直使用的实测有效的技巧：

01

Have Multiples of Favorite Toys

购买多份最喜欢的玩具

While this may be more practical in a group care setting, having multiples of favorite toys can take the pressure off. However, this doesn’t always work. Toddlers and preschoolers are unpredictable. They still, somehow, often fixate on “the one” even when all of the toys are identical. I’ve dealt with arguments over a specific yellow chair (when all the other chairs were also yellow) or the red playground ball (when all the other balls were also red).

虽然这可能在集体看护环境中更实际，但提供多份大家都最喜欢的玩具，的确会缓和压力。但这也并非总是奏效。幼儿和学龄前儿童都是不可预测的。他们依旧会执着地盯着某个玩具，即使所有玩具都一样。我曾处理过一些对某个特定黄色椅子（虽然其他椅子都是黄色的）或红色球（虽然其他所有球也都是红色的）的争夺。

02

Use a Timer to Take Turns

用定时器确定轮流时间

Some teachers set a timer for turn taking. They will give each child a certain amount of minutes before they need to stop and give the toy to the next friend. This can be helpful because it takes out the adult element. The timer is to blame for your turn being over. However, a pitfall with this technique is that it stops a child mid-play which can be upsetting.

一些老师用定时器来让大家轮流。这会给每个孩子特定的时间去轮流玩某个玩具。这会很有效，因为这不需要大人参与。要怪的话，只能怪定时器。但这一技巧有个不足之处，那就是玩到中途就被打断，这是很让人懊恼的。

03

Allow Children to Play With a Toy Until They’re Done and Then Share

让孩子玩一个玩具，直到玩够，然后再分享

In my program, this was the method I used most often. All of the children knew that if you chose a toy it was okay to play with it until you were done and then it was the next person’s turn. It wasn’t okay to hoard all of a certain type of toy and it wasn’t okay just to carry that toy around or hide it when you weren’t using it, but if you were actively using that toy, it was yours until you were done.

在我的项目中，有个方法是我经常使用的。所有的孩子都知道，如果你选择了一个玩具，那么是可以一直玩到自己不想玩了为止的。不可以守着所有的某个类型的玩具，也不可以当不玩的时候，把玩具带着到处跑或藏起来，但如果的确是还在玩，那么就可以一直玩下去。

Through the years, I found that this technique took a lot of pressure off of me and the students. When they had control of the situation, they often shared more quickly and effortlessly than any time I asked them to share. The others learned that everyone who wanted a turn would get one. Obviously, this didn’t work smoothly all of the time. Toddlers and preschoolers aren’t known for their patience and understanding. I had some crying tantrums and frustrated children, but no method works smoothly for every child.

多年来，我发现这一技巧给我和学生们减轻了不少压力。当他们对事态有控制权，相对于被要求分享时，他们通常会更快速、更轻易地去分享。而其他人也知道，想要玩某个玩具，最后总是能够玩得到的。显然，这也不是一直奏效。幼儿和学龄前的儿童并没有足够的耐心和理解力。我也曾遇到过孩子哭闹发脾气和感到沮丧失落。但没有方法是对每个孩子都奏效的。

04

Make a List

制作一个名单

Allow children to set up a schedule of their own. I saw in another program recently where a teacher had a clipboard and a paper/pencil. When there was a particular thing many children wanted to use, they were responsible for putting their name (or their letter or their shape or however they could mark their spot) onto the list. The child playing would check the list when they were done and the next person took a turn. This turns control over to the children and allows everyone to be listened to and get a turn. It also has the added benefit of sneaking in some purposeful, meaningful writing.

让孩子自己制作一个计划。近期，我在另一个项目中看到一个老师用的是笔记板和笔。当很多孩子都想要某个特定玩具时，他们负责把自己的名字（或他们的字母、形状或其他标记）写在这张名单中。在玩这个玩具的孩子玩好之后，会看这张名单，然后把玩具给下一位小朋友。这种方式，把控制权交给了孩子，并可以让每个人都有机会轮流。而且，这一方式中还在不知不觉间练习了有意义、有目的的书写技能。

The road to teaching your child to share is a marathon, not a sprint. It’ll take time, but through positive reinforcement, modeling, and patience, your child will be well on her way!

教孩子分享，是一场马拉松，而非短跑。它需要时间。但通过正面强化、以身作则和耐心，孩子会取得长足进展的。

原文链接：

https://blog.himama.com/tips-for-teaching-kids-to-share/

https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/behavioral/toddlers-do-not-need-to-share/